Sexuality and Aging, Part 2 of 3: Where Did My Desire Go?
Understanding desire, intimacy, and why partners don't always change together
In Part 1 of this series, we talked about the physical changes that can affect sexuality as we age. Arousal may take longer. Bodies may require more stimulation. Menopause can change vaginal tissues and lubrication. Erections and orgasms may change.
But sometimes the body isn't really the question.
The question is:
"Why don't I want sex the way I used to?"
Or sometimes:
"Why do I still want sex, but my partner doesn't?"
These are questions I hear from older adults, and they are important ones because sexual desire is much more complicated than simply having the right hormone level.
Our bodies influence desire, certainly. But it is also influenced by our relationships, sleep, stress, medications, health, body image, caregiving responsibilities, past experiences, and what we have been taught about sexuality throughout our lives.
And perhaps most importantly, desire doesn't always work the way we think it does.
We Tend to Think Desire Comes First
When most of us think about sexual desire, we imagine something fairly straightforward:
You feel desire.
You become interested in sex.
You initiate sexual activity.
You become aroused.
That is called spontaneous desire.
It is the kind of desire that seems to appear without much prompting: I want to have sex.
For many people, spontaneous desire is more prominent when they are younger, in a new relationship, or during certain periods of life.
But another completely normal pattern is called responsive desire.
With responsive desire, you may not begin with a strong feeling of wanting sex.
Instead, you begin with closeness.
Maybe you're talking. You're lying together. Your partner touches you. You kiss. You feel emotionally connected. Physical arousal begins.
And then desire appears.
In other words, the sequence can be:
Connection → touch → arousal → desire.
That is very different from:
Desire → initiation → arousal.
Understanding this distinction can be enormously reassuring.
Someone may tell me, "I never think about sex anymore," and assume that means they have lost their libido.
But then I ask a different question:
"Once you and your partner begin being affectionate or intimate, do you enjoy it?"
Sometimes the answer is, "Actually, yes."
That tells us something very different.
The absence of spontaneous desire does not necessarily mean the absence of sexuality.
What Happens When One Partner Wants Sex, and the Other Doesn't?
Another issue that comes up frequently in long-term relationships is desire discrepancy.
One partner may continue to have a strong interest in sex while the other has very little.
This can become difficult very quickly.
The person who wants more sexual intimacy may feel rejected, unattractive, lonely, or confused.
The person who wants less may feel pressured, guilty, inadequate, or as though every affectionate touch is expected to lead somewhere.
Over time, both people may begin protecting themselves.
One stops initiating because rejection hurts.
The other starts avoiding physical affection because they don't want it to be interpreted as an invitation for sex.
And suddenly the couple has lost not only sexual intimacy, but sometimes touch itself.
This is why I think we need to be careful about labeling one person as the problem.
The partner who wants sex isn't necessarily wanting it too much.
And the partner who doesn't isn't necessarily abnormal.
Two people can have different levels of desire.
The goal isn't always to make their libidos identical.
The goal may be to understand what each person needs and find ways of maintaining connection without pressure, guilt, resentment, or coercion.
We Don't Necessarily Age Sexually at the Same Pace
Couples can spend 30, 40, or 50 years together and still experience aging very differently.
One person may develop arthritis or chronic pain.
One may go through menopause and experience significant vaginal discomfort.
One may develop erectile difficulties.
One may start taking a medication that affects sexual function.
One may be exhausted from caregiving.
One may have undergone treatment for cancer.
And the other person may remain physically healthy and very interested in sex.
No biological rule says two people in a relationship will experience the same changes at the same time.
That sounds obvious when we say it out loud.
But emotionally, it can be much harder to accept.
Because changes in sexual desire are often interpreted personally.
"You don't find me attractive anymore."
"You never touch me."
"All you care about is sex."
"Something must be wrong with me."
Sometimes none of those interpretations are actually true.
Sometimes the Problem Starts Outside the Bedroom
If someone tells me their libido has disappeared, I don't think only about sex hormones.
I want to know about the rest of their life.
How are you sleeping?
Are you exhausted?
Are you depressed or anxious?
Are you in pain?
Did you start a new medication?
Are you caring for a spouse or a parent?
Are you worried about finances?
Do you feel emotionally connected to your partner?
Do you feel comfortable in your body?
Because it is difficult to feel sexually interested when your body and brain are overwhelmed.
Sometimes what looks like low libido is actually exhaustion.
And sleep deserves particular attention as we get older.
Snoring, sleep apnea, insomnia, restless sleep, nocturia, different temperature preferences, chronic pain, and different sleep schedules can all affect couples.
Some couples eventually decide they sleep better in separate bedrooms.
That does not automatically mean something is wrong with their relationship.
Couples can sleep separately and have wonderful intimacy.
Couples can also share the same bed every night and have very little intimacy.
The more important question is whether sleeping separately has unintentionally removed opportunities for affection, conversation, touch, or connection that used to happen naturally at bedtime.
Sometimes couples need to become more intentional about creating those moments elsewhere.
We Bring a Lifetime Into the Bedroom
There is another part of sexuality and aging that we don't talk about enough.
People don't arrive at 70 or 80 with a blank slate.
We bring an entire lifetime with us.
Our ideas about sexuality may have been shaped by our generation, culture, religion, family, gender expectations, education, relationships, and the society in which we grew up.
Someone who is 80 today grew up in a very different sexual culture than someone who is 50.
Some people grew up in homes where sex was never discussed.
Some women were taught that sex was primarily about their husband's needs.
Some men grew up believing that sexual performance was closely tied to masculinity.
Some LGBTQ+ older adults spent significant portions of their lives hiding their identities or relationships because it wasn't safe to live openly.
And even people from the same generation can have completely different experiences.
Our lives also leave their marks.
Pregnancy. Childbirth. Infertility. Menopause. Divorce. Widowhood. New relationships. Infidelity. Trauma. Cancer. Mastectomy. Prostate surgery. Disability. Caregiving. Partner loss.
All of those experiences can influence how we experience our bodies and intimacy.
So when we ask about sexuality in an older adult, we aren't just asking about hormones and anatomy.
We're asking about the person who has lived in that body for 70 or 80 years.
Intimacy Can Evolve
Perhaps one of the most limiting ideas about sexuality is that sex has to look a particular way.
It doesn't.
Intercourse is one form of sexual expression.
It is not the definition of intimacy.
As bodies change, couples may need—or want—to redefine what intimacy means.
That might include kissing, touching, massage, cuddling, mutual pleasure, lying together, holding hands, affection, conversation, or simply feeling desired and emotionally connected.
For some couples, intercourse remains an important part of their relationship well into later life.
For others, it becomes less important.
Neither experience is inherently better.
The question is whether the relationship still contains the kinds of connection that matter to the people in it.
There Isn't One "Normal" Amount of Desire
People sometimes want a number.
How often should people my age be having sex?
There really isn't a useful answer.
Frequency tells us surprisingly little about whether someone has a healthy sexual relationship.
One couple may have sex several times a week and be unhappy.
Another may rarely have intercourse and feel deeply connected and completely satisfied.
The more useful question is:
Are you comfortable with your sexual life?
And if you have a partner:
Does the way you experience intimacy work for both of you?
If the answer is yes, you may not need to fix anything.
If the answer is no, then it is worth asking why.
When Desire Changes, Get Curious Before Assuming It's Aging
A change in desire can be part of aging, but it can also be a clue.
Hormonal changes may contribute. So can depression, anxiety, sleep disorders, chronic pain, medications, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, neurologic disease, cancer treatment, and many other health conditions.
Sometimes the issue isn't desire at all.
Someone may avoid sex because intercourse hurts.
Someone with erectile dysfunction may stop initiating because they are embarrassed.
Someone who is exhausted may have plenty of capacity for desire but no energy left to access it.
Someone who fears urinary leakage may avoid intimacy altogether.
That's why simply saying "My libido is gone" is often the beginning of the conversation—not the end of it.
And that brings us to the final part of this series.
Coming Next: Part 3 of 3
When Health Enters the Bedroom: Medical Conditions, Medications and Sexual Health
We'll look at some of the health conditions that can affect sexual function as we age, the medications that can unexpectedly interfere with desire and performance, and the symptoms that shouldn't simply be dismissed as "just getting older."
Because sexuality is not separate from health.
It is part of health.
This post is for educational purposes only; please discuss all your health issues with your physician.
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